James Mitchinson

THE TUESDAY TICKLER: HANDS UP ALL THE DAFT DADS

Hands up all the daft dads 🙋🏼‍♂️ We are a mutual collective that derives great satisfaction from larking around trying to make our children laugh and, inadvertently, our better halves roll their eyes. 

How can you tell if you’re a daft dad or not? Well, you are not officially a daft dad unless your better half has said out loud: “Don’t laugh at your dad, children. It only encourages him.” That, right there, is a coveted branding of distinction. A hallmark of hilariousness. A giggle gong. A titter ‘tificate.

Now, that scolding of choice for daft-dad-weary mums everywhere is applicable in the story of Simon Jackson, a man so cunning that he even lives on Foxwood Avenue, Sheffield (true story!).  For, you see, Simon spotted an opportunity. A loophole. Simple, this Simon is not. Well, not entirely. For Simon one day reckoned that should he list an item that he didn’t own for £10,000,000 on an online marketplace, he might just land a chunky ‘seller’s fee’. A £300,000 seller’s fee to be precise. Can you imagine? Like they’d be so stupid as to believe he’d sold something for £10,000,000, in a selling forum where you’re more likely to catch fleas than you are a six-figure windfall. 

Well, erstwhile reader, they only bloody well did, didn’t they. Now who’s simple, eh? Not Simon (just don’t laugh at him. Not only will it encourage him but other Simons, too).  So. Three hundred grand to the good, what was his go-to? Big holiday? Flashy watch? Nope! Car engine. No, no. Not a car. An engine! Who does he think he is, Guy Martin? 

Not so much Simple Simon, then, as Silly Simon. So silly, in fact, that he was handed a year in jail for his troubles - I did tell you not to laugh, this is serious stuff - and, then, the kicker. A police appeal. Now, we’re stand up citizens, you and I. We like to help, don’t we? 

“Have you noticed someone who has suddenly started wearing designer clothing or who has bought a second car despite not appearing to have a job?” asks the old bill. 

How long have you got, officer!? 

James

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Word of the day - Syzygy: the alignment of three or more celestial bodies, or, when everything just falls into place. 

Happy birthday to: Ruth - what’s occurrin’!? Jones, 60. Hang on a minute, that can’t be right.

On this day - 1955: Television audiences were blown away by the addition of a single new channel - what we now call ITV - as commercial TV for the first time broke the BBC’s monopoly. 

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Write to me - it’s nice to hear from you all: james.mitchinson@iconicmediagroup.co.uk

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