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THE MONDAY MOAN: I'LL STAY AT HOME IN FUTURE
Tickets, please! Roll up, roll up to get your Monday Moan from me, a man who can often be heard squealing ‘HOW MUCH!?’ at pretty much everything in life these days. You may have heard me from where you were sitting on Sunday lunchtime when I was stupid enough to call in at a very ordinary pub on the outskirts of a more ordinary town only to be relieved of fourteen English pounds for one pint, one coke and a bag of crisps. The world’s gone mad.
You can, then, imagine the steam billowing from my larger-than-they-should-be lug ‘oles when a fine landed on my desk from Sheffield City Council.
Having decided I was going to drive the family into Sheffield, I filled up with fuel, drove into town to park up ahead of heading to the theatre where the drinks are even more expensive than said ordinary pub on the outskirts of more ordinary town. I don’t mind at the theatre, though. You know that’s coming and you’re paying to support something special. Something meaningful.
However, if you think about it dispassionately, if you’re planning to take a family of four to the theatre it’s going to cost you in the region of £200 for the tickets. £15 to park. £40 for drinks and snacks and maybe £100 if you’re feeling so lavish that you treat your brood to a Pizza Express.
Having navigated all the traffic cones, diversions, errant roads signs, convoluted road markings in neverending roadworks - in the dark - at precisely 10.22pm, I apparently strayed into a bus lane for which I must pay £35. Now, I’m a very careful driver. More so when I have my two boys in the car. Precious cargo. I’d like to think, too, that I’m pretty good at receiving information relating to road usage, again, more so when there’s almost nothing else on the road. Easy to concentrate, you see.
And yet, here we are. Over a barrel with Sheffield City Council’s grubby mit thrust deep into my pocket for having the temerity to visit its city to spend wads of cash, failure to cough up resulting in the fine increasing exponentially until it will cost me my livelihood, a kidney and both feet.
Honestly, I don’t know why people bother to leave the house at all.
James
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'Proof' sent to me of my having committed a heinous crime
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Write to me - it’s nice to hear from you all: james.mitchinson@iconicmediagroup.co.uk
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NB: correspondence sent to me will be deemed fit for publication.
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